J. Celia

Have you ever had dejavu’ that you can’t explain?  Well, i have a theory…

Sometimes i have dreams (and i’m sure you have too) that are so realistic, you wake up and think, did that really just happen?

For example: if you had a dream that you were, let’s say, going to McDonald’s ordering a Mcdouble, a small fry, and a sweet tea when all of a sudden a moose jumps into your car.  You’re like “what the fuck!?  Get out moose!” and then you wake up.  You eventually forget about your dream, because there’s a statistic somewhere out there that everyone forgets about 90% of their dreams as soon as they wake up from it. 

The next day you’re at the McDonald’s drive through ordering a Mcdou…didn’t you go through this shit yesterday?

Now, this theory doesn’t explain the deja vu that some people have (including myself) where you go somewhere you’ve never PHYSICALLY been in your life, but you feel like you’ve been there before.  So my question/theory is, when you dream, does your unconscious mind go other places and explore everywhere and everything that you’ve always wanted to, but never gotten to, and then when you wake up and actually physically go there, are you familiar with that place or thing already?

Or when you have a horrible dream and are stuck in the worst situation possible to you, and one day you actually end up in that situation and you somehow know what to do to get out of that situation already…is that because of a dream?

Hmmmm…any thoughts?

Alcoholica Escoterica what i pulled out and re-started reading.  

I must tell you, though, the funny story behind it…

I met my biological mother for the first time three days after my 21st birthday.  I was a nervous wreck the entire plane ride to Virginia (so much so that the man sitting next to me felt so uncomfortable at my random burst of tears that he got up and stood near the bathroom until we were allowed to get off the plane).  I had so much going through my mind that was psyching me out…ugh, it was just disasterous. 

Anyhow, after i spent a week there and got accustomed to my mother and aunt (who are, incidentally, exactly like me, or i like them…either way), my mother gave me her birthday present: a basket of goodies that were all things i would have picked out for myself any day.  AND they all happened to be in my favorite colour, which i had not discussed with her prior to my visit.  Oddly enough, the mother-daughter bond can withstand years of absence and distance, and my trip proved that.

But nothing proved it more than when i saw that book; she enjoyed drinking as much as i did……….goddammit i was home!

So the point of this entry is that i recommend this book to all of you (or those who are even following me).  It is a mixture of the history and proper use of different types of booze, and also gives you a newfound open-ness to trying new ways of getting drunk.  I must say, i have never been so interested in feeling snotty and trying an old, well aged wine in my life! 

and your left hand looks damn perfect (being that you’re right handed), but your right hand looks like you just had a stroke and an epileptic seizure at the same time. 

sade:

the way they’re forcing carly rae jepsen on me.

ENOUGH.

THANK YOU

But first, some background information about me that is pertinent to know before you come to a verdict.

As a woman (and i’m sure a lot of you out there are like this), i am overly independent, almost to a fault (if there were such a thing).  I have been flurrying through relationships for a number of reasons: the male is too clingy, he doesn’t rely on me enough, he’s unestablished, etc.  These qualities could be contradictory to each other; i tend to change my mind a lot.  Nonetheless, I am a woman who thrives off being needed in any type of relationship people could have.  I am happiest when someone needs me, be it friends or lovers.

ALSO, you should take into account my lifestyle: i drink heavily and shop more than i should with my budget (budget never used to be a problem when i could support my own habits).  I like being entertained, and entertainment costs money 98% of the time.

Now that you know this about me,  here is my dilemma.

I have recently dropped out of my junior year in college.  I am now what bothers me the most about men.  I am not established and 100% sure of what i’m doing. 

I went through my first 2 years of college not knowing what i wanted to do with my life, and as you can imagine, this created an internal hysteria for me.  I have never felt like more of a failure.  On top of that, my parents stress education more than anyone i know, especially since they are teachers themselves.  They will no longer acknowledge me as their daughter, it seems.  I went from living and talking to them everyday, to being kicked out and barely speaking to them for an entire year.

Since my complete severance from university life, i have had a job that i dread the most: a tanning salon consultant.  Imagine, from what you now know about me, how much i wanted to jump in front of a mass transit bus every time i went to work.  I hated my life more than any other time working there, but i needed that small amount of money to support myself as much as possible (which was the absolute bare minimum of human life you could have without being homeless).  I hated that job so much that other people began to notice as well, my boss included.  Needless to say, i was fired from my tanning consultant position for being so unenthusiastic about my work.

From there, i applied for a number of jobs that would better stimulate my mind and was less routine than a tanning salon.  My grandmother suggested that i be a Teaching Assistant or a school secretary.  Hmmm, that might actually be a good idea, i said to myself.  But, being that i dealt with children, i would have to go through a surprisingly extensive series of tests (of drugs and smarts), that it would take time before i got another job.  I was jobless for nearly a month and a half, which killed me because i had to rely on my boyfriend (of a year and a half, mind you.  He was already beating my record of a 6 month relationship) for EV. RE. THING.  I have no one else.

But now i have been working for nearly 2 weeks in the school district, but as of late (and before i even started my new job), my boyfriend has been feeling the strain of supporting 2 people, and i am under the strain of feeling inadequate and not worth the time and effort that my boyfriend has put into me. 

My question to you all is, should i feel inadequate?  I feel that i am, in some ways, a gold digger, someone who seeks out men to support them.  I’ve only been jobless for 1 MONTH.  People have told me to file for unemployment benefits or food stamps, but i am too proud for that.  Having someone else support me is hurting me, in every literal sense that you could think of.  What should i do?  Am i wrong for feeling inadequate?